Sorrow & Forgiveness

People will tell you how much it hurts to lose a friend, whether because they died, or left, or because oyu royally fucked up.

What they don’t tell you is how much it hurts to be forgiven, to be given a second chance to make things right. It took me a long time to realize that I couldn’t live without real friendship. I have friends, that’s true. A lot of people that care about me. But only a very few people that… That are like this.

I apologized today, and it hurt. Oh goddess did it hurt. Not from shame from needing to apologize, or because it was hard to say it. It hurt because I was so afraid that he’d say no, that he wouldn’t forgive me. But he did, and it all came crashing down and I’m about to cry. He did. And for that I am thankful, wonderfully thankful.

Happy?

I’m not sure. But I think that I can start to be happy again.

Firefox owns you

Yet another reason why firefox rocks.

Eternity

As I sit here, high atop this cliff, looking out to the fading sunset in the distance, the stars and moon slowly creeping up ehind be, I feel an unwelcome sense of melancholy. A feeling that nothing will ever happen, that life itself no longer worth living.

I push the feelings aside hard, looking down over the edge, the ground must be nearly two-hundred feet below me. I feel a strange urge to jump… to let it all end in a few breif seconds of flight, the wind rushing past me as I fall.

But I can’t think about that, can not allow myself to dwell on it, or that alternative might seem too good, too inviting.

I stand up and turn away from the last darkening rays of the sun, and I face the moon. and offer myself up to her for she is my mistress, my lady of the dark and the night. Still offering the light of the sun but darker, pure and silver light instead of the harsh glare of the sun. She is tinged with red- a blood red moon appropriate for my mood of late.

I look up, into the stars that appear here, miles from nowhere and decades from anywhere, and I know what it is to gaze upon eternity, the light from these stars reach out from across years, centuries… mellinnia to touch me, to pour their sacred light upon my body. And I know this feeling that clutches me- it is despair.