There’s a lot of stuff that I know I need to do if I’m going to turn my life around and get it moving in a direction that I want it to go in. The problem isn’t finding out or deciding what I need to do, it’s actually getting up and DOING it. I find myself easily, not distracted, but, hmm. Resigned? I feel like it won’t make a difference either way, even when it’s something that I really enjoy or I really want to do.
For instance, I’m currently warping my largest project yet on my loom- 32″ with about 350 ends. It’s not hard, it doesn’t take a whole lot of concentration or really effort, all I need to do is to sit down and DO it. The problem is that I have a really hard time bringing myself to do this! And I have no bloody clue WHY, dammit!
It’s not just a personal thing, it happens at school and in my professional life as well. At school it probably shows up most dramatically- I barely pass my classes but get in the 95 percentile on my ACT tests. People ask me what my GPA is and then are shocked that someone so smart can be such a low achiever. Here’s the secret people, listen up or you’ll miss it: I don’t care. Or, more accurately, I can’t bring myself to care. It’s like I’m afraid of success…. Maybe that’s it, but if it is, what can I do about it? I’m a lot more afraid of failure, I think. I hate losing at anything.
Eh, this is why I don’t write at night, I get off on weird tangents and can’t come up with a title. Anywase, g’night, World.
~Aesop
